Should we or shouldn't we?

I have an old dog. I may have mentioned her before, but today I have been thinking of her a lot. About 5 years ago, I took her in to see the local vet because she had a lump growing on her lowest teat. He checked her out and said that it looked like it might be cancer but that we shouldn't worry that it would hurt her. We thought that with cancer, she would eventually get sick and die, but that we would love her until that time happened.

Quite a few years have passed and the lump keeps growing. It is now larger than the size of a cantaloupe and it is almost touching the ground. We have debated over the last few years on what to do for her -- should we put her to sleep or should we wait a little longer. I have asked a couple of other veterinarians what they would recommend and each time I was told that the lump would not hurt her -- that surgery to remove the lump would be more of a problem for her than actually having the lump. I have asked other people their opinions of when the time is right to put an animal to sleep, and each time they say that the animal will "let me know when the time is right". My husband and I have really concentrated on when the time is right, but it just hasn't seemed appropriate because Pepper has been pretty active and she hasn't really seemed like she was in pain.

Well, today I went out to the kennel to give her some water and it struck me that now might be the time. It really breaks my heart -- I have never had to put a much loved pet to sleep before. I have never had to make that appointment.

I did some research on the Internet after my little "chat" with Pepper, and now I am even more terrified of what life will be like without her. One Veterinarian (Dr. TJ Dunn, Jr.) wrote, "As a veterinarian, I have noted with interest that during a single human lifetime a number of pet lifetimes may pass, and as we recall each pet that shared our time, it seems that they never stayed with us quite long enough." I have been thinking about this quote all afternoon and how true it is. Pepper has not stayed with us long enough... She has been my constant companion, despite the fact that she lives outside and I live in, for the past 11 years. I have relied on her barking to alert me of things that are just 'not right' outside -- like when there are strange cats or other dogs walking in our yard. She has warned me that a big monster (in the form of a garbage can) will get me each week when we take it to the curb and bring it back. I have relied on her cute little bark to welcome me home from every trip to the store, to work, etc., for the past few years. I have yelled at her to "shut up" more times than not -- but to her it has all been good because I am just the leader of her pack barking back in welcome.

The thought of actually taking her down to the vet's office to have the procedure done is more sad than I can even think; partly because we will put the leash on her collar and take her for a "walk" and a "special ride in the truck". She will probably look up at me with that "dumb look" that dogs are famous for and hang her tongue out of her mouth. She will probably wag her tail and rub up next to me to get a love. And then we will basically "kill" her in the name of humanity by a lethal injection from the veterinarian... I am crying right now with just the thought of it all.